European snow goggle manufacturer, Acme goggles, today launched its latest product: Smart Goggle 2.0. The new goggle, which incorporates state-of-the art technology promises to do extraordinary things.
“These goggles promise to revolutionise the way we ski and board”, said Entrepreneur and Acme CEO, Ima Futurist. “Using stealth bomber technology, we’ve built in a new head-up-display (HUD) which provides the rider with real-time information, like where to go for apres drinks, who’s single and whether the guy or girl sharing your chairlift is actually a douche-bag”.
In an extraordinary claim, Acme also claims that the goggles make you 50% more attractive to the opposite sex.
Comprehensive research by SRA proves these goggles are no gimmick. It appears the goggle uses advanced algorithms to hack into the social media accounts of nearby facilities and individuals, and new secret technology, that increases your sexiness rating by at least 2 points out of 10.
“Its really straight forward in he case of case of marital status – for that we just hack their Facebook account”, said Dr Futurist, “but detecting douche-bags….well, that took some real smarts”. “What we do is look for indicators: for example, whether they support Trump, or whether their profile pic shows them crouched next to a slain elephant holding a rifle”.
In terms of making the user more attractive to the opposite sex, well, “that’s a trade secret”, he added further. “All we can say, is that it really works”. “We tested the product in a down-town bar using Brad Pit and Angelina Jolie lookalikes, and the results were….well, lets just say, astounding”.
The goggle, which comes in beige, light beige and slightly beige, is set to be released today, sometime before 12 noon.