Category Archives: Satire

Climate change breakthrough: scientists predict global cooling, not global warming

In a dramatic rebuttal of the latest IPCC findings, a group of leading climate change scientist from Australia, Italy, Japan, Germany and the Netherlands, will today announce the earth is entering a significant period of cooling, and not warming as previously believed.  

The paper published in the prestigious journal, Royal Proceedings of Climatology, suggests the changes are being driven by a newly discovered reversal in the Planet’s oceanographic currents.

Major Australian currents, which may reverse if predictions hold true

“The findings change everything we previously believed”, said Dr Cowes Phartaloti, first author and Professor at the University of Cinciatti, Italy “at first we cannot believe the data and needa (sic) to check it several times; but mumma-mia, we found the currents were definitely reversing”, he added further.  

Professor Green-Housen of the Inter-planetary Panel of Climate Change, said both he and his colleagues were watching developments closely. “Obviously this is a right pain in our butts, and if true could represent a significant new paradigm in planetary climatology, and worryingly, even a new ice age! – not to mention what will happen to my funding”, he remarked.

Dr Green-Housen was reluctant to be photographed but supplied this life-like pottery caricature of himself on his favourite coffee mug

“The reversal of the Australia’s west coast current, also known as the Leeuwin Current, will result in stronger and more frequent cold fronts from the southwest, resulting in at least an 80% increase in snowfalls across Victoria, New South Wales and New Zealand’s southern Island, adding perhaps 2 to 3 metres to annual snow accumulations, which presently average just under 2 m”, said Dr Cory Olis, of the Ministry of Weathernstuff.

He added further, “the changes should also see a massive extension in the northerly penetration of snow falls, which in some instances may extend as far as the Gold Coast. Queenslanders wont know what hit ’em!”

Drivers on the Gold Coast were struck pink by the unexpected snow falls

When contacted for comment Ms Sally Tovail, of the Australian Snowsports Institute was exuberant stating “we are obviously very excited by these findings, and if Mr Olis’ predictions are correct, it could see a return to the bumper seasons of ’56, ’64 and ’81, which dumped over 3 m of snow on resorts like Hotham and Perisher.  “Based on these findings, Australia will become the next now skiing mecca, and possibly even a winter Olympic venue”, she added further.

Facebook, why do you hate us so much?

We’ve had it up to our eyeballs! Why? Well, as you might be aware, social media juggernaut, Facebook, recently changed the way it decides whether a post SHOULD or SHOULD NOT appear in your news feed. Yep, they decide, not you.

We just can’t keep up. First Facebook decided it liked photos, then it changed it’s mind and gave preferences to videos until that went out of style. Then it got all excited about live posts until that too became passé. Finally, they’ve decided anything is OK, but if you want to reach your followers you’d better be prepared to pay.

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*Scream!* We’ve had enough!

It is all part of Facebook’s new social responsibility thingy, or if we were more cynical, their efforts to restore some modicum of credibility after stealing your data for years before (most likely) selling it to the Russians. Only kidding Mark Z! Honest!

Facebook has gone all warm and fuzzy as it tries to restore the love between friends, lovers, family and neighbours. What that means for YOU is your news feed will now be filled with posts from friends and family (which is cool), and advertising (not cool) from companies that can afford to pay.  So, prepare to be inundated with posts from your Aunt Berril and the likes of Coca Cola and Pepsi.

While the latter is what’s really getting our goat (we like Aunt Berril, really!), we also reckon plenty of you would still (albeit occasionally) like to hear from us, a poor volunteer organisation, just trying to bring you the latest snow industry news, and the occasional rad video clip of skiiers and snowboarders hucking cliffs and riding neck deep powder.

Are we right?

If so, there’s something you can do. Simply go to our Facebook page, click on ‘follow’, then change the ‘default’ setting to the ‘see first’ setting. Ignore what it’d says. You wont see evening we publish at the top of your news feed. No – Facebook would never allow that.

What it does mean though is that our post will now have a snowflakes chance in hell (pun intended) of appearing somewhere on your page, from time to time. And we reckon that’s OK.

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At SRA our team of volunteers work hard to bring you this stuff. We don’t get paid, so it would be great if you could at least see the results of our efforts, from time to time, or even at all.

High concentrations of di-hydrogen monoxide found in man-made snow: EPA reveals

EPA has announced it will ban snowmaking after scientists revealed man-made snow contains high concentrations of a chemical known as di-hydrogen monoxide (or DHMO).

Widespread but little known, DHMO is lethal when inhaled, corrodes metal and may form blistering vapours when heated.

“These findings are extremely alarming”, said University spokesman, Dr Alan Rainmaker. “The use of DHMO – which consists of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom –  is unfortunately commonplace in the snow-sports industry, with some resorts using concentrations as high as 100%”.

“It’s no wonder people’s edges rust during the off season”, he added.

 

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Di-hydrogen monoxide in all its brutish glory

Independent investigations by Snowriders Australia confirm DHMO is a colourless molecule, which freezes at precisely zero degrees C – making it highly suitable for use in modern snow-making devices.

Somewhat more concerning is that upon melting, DHMO enters alpine streams and underground water tables, before being incorporated to food chains and root systems where it remains for years. DHMO is also commonly used as a fire-retardant.  Shocking!

 

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DHMO is commonly used as an effective fire retardant

Today’s announcement is a significant blow to the ski industry, which relies heavily on snowmaking. “Yeah, obviously it’s not ideal”, said Snow Australia CEO, Nigel Sosnowski, “DHMO is used under the strictest safety conditions; all our technicians wear gloves and take great care not come into direct contact with the  product – I mean, that shit’s really cold” he added further.

EPA is conducting further investigations into the use of DHMO in the snow-sports industry and is expected to make a further statement at noon today.

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Scientists reveal volcano beneath Mt Perisher is a ticking time bomb

Scientists from Geo-Institute Australia today revealed the presence of a massive dormant volcano beneath one of Australia’s premier ski areas, Mt Perisher.

The discovery, described by experts as a significant geological find is also an ominous one according to Volcanologist, Dr Dr Ivan Redaldabooks. “This volcanic caldera is enormous; I don’t want to alarm people, but we are talking about a caldera 133 miles in diameter”. He added further, “Dormant volcanoes are by no means extinct volcanoes. Much like the super volcano at Yellow Stone in the USA, this volcano could erupt at any minute, and with devastating consequences”. “It really is a ticking time-bomb”.

Volcano erupts in European ski resort
A volcano erupts in a European ski resort. Image: http://www.skiline.co.uk

Indeed.  Snow industry experts revealed exclusively to Snowriders Australia that a volcanic eruption in the middle of winter would be devastating to tourism, probably forcing a downgrading of conditions from Excellent to Very good, or heaven forbid, just Good.

Snowboarders approached for comment were surprisingly nonchalant, stating they wouldn’t notice a volcanic eruption anyway, and with lift tickets at $100 a day, no one’s coming in because of a little molten lava.

Ski Area Management was quick to respond to the news, stating the resort was well covered for climatic anomalies, but not geological ones: “Yeah, our groomers can deal with most snow conditions, but they’ve never had to deal with magma”, said Area General Manager Yuri Sosnowski; “this definitely presents a new challenge for us, but not one as difficult as building an 800 bed resort in a car-park”.

The Geo-Institute is expected to make further comment today, including that in all likely-hood the discovery is an elaborate April Fools Day hoax, as are all comments and quotes presented in this article.

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Trump to ban snowboarding if he wins US election

In a sensational last minute effort to sway ordinary voters, US Presidential candidate Donald Trump last night said he will pass a law banning snowboarding if he wins today’s election.

“Those lefty snowboarders have been terrorizing ski resorts and otherwise taking jobs away from ordinary skiiers for years; it stops here!” said Trump in a statement to ABCD news. “I’m going to make resorts great again..”, he added further;   “by either banning the filthy practice or by building a fence down the middle of resorts, with snowboarders one side and skiiers on the other”. Continue reading Trump to ban snowboarding if he wins US election