Category Archives: Satire

High concentrations of di-hydrogen monoxide found in man-made snow: EPA reveals

EPA has announced it will ban snowmaking after scientists revealed man-made snow contains high concentrations of a chemical known as di-hydrogen monoxide (or DHMO).

Widespread but little known, DHMO is lethal when inhaled, corrodes metal and may form blistering vapours when heated.

“These findings are extremely alarming”, said University spokesman, Dr Alan Rainmaker. “The use of DHMO – which consists of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom –  is unfortunately commonplace in the snow-sports industry, with some resorts using concentrations as high as 100%”.

“It’s no wonder people’s edges rust during the off season”, he added.

 

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Di-hydrogen monoxide in all its brutish glory

Independent investigations by Snowriders Australia confirm DHMO is a colourless molecule, which freezes at precisely zero degrees C – making it highly suitable for use in modern snow-making devices.

Somewhat more concerning is that upon melting, DHMO enters alpine streams and underground water tables, before being incorporated to food chains and root systems where it remains for years. DHMO is also commonly used as a fire-retardant.  Shocking!

 

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DHMO is commonly used as an effective fire retardant

Today’s announcement is a significant blow to the ski industry, which relies heavily on snowmaking. “Yeah, obviously it’s not ideal”, said Snow Australia CEO, Nigel Sosnowski, “DHMO is used under the strictest safety conditions; all our technicians wear gloves and take great care not come into direct contact with the  product – I mean, that shit’s really cold” he added further.

EPA is conducting further investigations into the use of DHMO in the snow-sports industry and is expected to make a further statement at noon today.

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Scientists reveal volcano beneath Mt Perisher is a ticking time bomb

Scientists from Geo-Institute Australia today revealed the presence of a massive dormant volcano beneath one of Australia’s premier ski areas, Mt Perisher.

The discovery, described by experts as a significant geological find is also an ominous one according to Volcanologist, Dr Dr Ivan Redaldabooks. “This volcanic caldera is enormous; I don’t want to alarm people, but we are talking about a caldera 133 miles in diameter”. He added further, “Dormant volcanoes are by no means extinct volcanoes. Much like the super volcano at Yellow Stone in the USA, this volcano could erupt at any minute, and with devastating consequences”. “It really is a ticking time-bomb”.

Volcano erupts in European ski resort
A volcano erupts in a European ski resort. Image: http://www.skiline.co.uk

Indeed.  Snow industry experts revealed exclusively to Snowriders Australia that a volcanic eruption in the middle of winter would be devastating to tourism, probably forcing a downgrading of conditions from Excellent to Very good, or heaven forbid, just Good.

Snowboarders approached for comment were surprisingly nonchalant, stating they wouldn’t notice a volcanic eruption anyway, and with lift tickets at $100 a day, no one’s coming in because of a little molten lava.

Ski Area Management was quick to respond to the news, stating the resort was well covered for climatic anomalies, but not geological ones: “Yeah, our groomers can deal with most snow conditions, but they’ve never had to deal with magma”, said Area General Manager Yuri Sosnowski; “this definitely presents a new challenge for us, but not one as difficult as building an 800 bed resort in a car-park”.

The Geo-Institute is expected to make further comment today, including that in all likely-hood the discovery is an elaborate April Fools Day hoax, as are all comments and quotes presented in this article.

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Trump to ban snowboarding if he wins US election

In a sensational last minute effort to sway ordinary voters, US Presidential candidate Donald Trump last night said he will pass a law banning snowboarding if he wins today’s election.

“Those lefty snowboarders have been terrorizing ski resorts and otherwise taking jobs away from ordinary skiiers for years; it stops here!” said Trump in a statement to ABCD news. “I’m going to make resorts great again..”, he added further;   “by either banning the filthy practice or by building a fence down the middle of resorts, with snowboarders one side and skiiers on the other”. Continue reading Trump to ban snowboarding if he wins US election